Portal Breach: The Collision of Worlds :: v.4.0


    Pancakes are suppose to be happy

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    Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Sonia on Sat Jan 10, 2015 1:43 am

    Time: 10:00 AM
    Date: 1/10/15

    Cold morning air stung the inside of her nose and lungs as Sonia waited patiently outside of the little restaurant. She was going to have pancakes with Kev this morning, one of the last chances she'd really have time to spend alone with him before he left for months. The very thought of seeing him both made her heart beat a little faster and drove a knife a bit deeper into her side. Painful. It was so very painful to be around him, looking at him hurt, hearing him speak hurt. Seeing him with Fear hurt. It all just hurt. And last night had been the most painful to date.

    Kev wrote: "I love you both equally, Sonia."


    Pain laced through her lungs and through her head, the hordes voices echoing louder, bouncing off the walls of her skull at a growing frequency. Her fingers twitched and she itched for a cigarette, something to help calm down the horde. Instead she reached for her painkillers, taking two to dull the ache just enough to allow her to function.

    She was going to have a nice breakfast with kev, it would probably be the last time that she saw him for several months, and it was going to be a nice breakfast. No feelings of jealously or unrequited love would be permitted to ruin it. They were going to have a nice, casual breakfast.


    Last edited by Sonia on Sat Jan 10, 2015 2:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Kev on Sat Jan 10, 2015 2:09 am

    A nice, casual breakfast.

    A nice, casual, platonic breakfast date with someone who was in love with him. A nice, casual platonic breakfast date with someone who loved him that he didn't love back. Kev was regretting every single word he had ever said to Sonia last night, as he walked with a slow gait towards the business area. I love you both equally, Sonia! Moron. Do you want to go out, just the two of us, and get some pancakes? Idiot. How had this happened? Why did it happen? Why didn't he notice it? Why did he have to invite her out for pancakes?!

    The alien rubbed the bridge of his nose. He couldn't just ditch her. That would make things worse. Gods, did he wish he knew about this before it had happened. It had been so long since anyone had fallen in love with him, maybe he had forgotten what it looked like. Love for a friend came easy to him, but romantic love seemed harder, farther away, and the alien re-evaluated everything to decide where this had started. Could it have been the day he found out about Sonia's boyfriend disappearing? When she had cried, and he had cried, and they held each other and cried together? The way they had fallen asleep together on her couch that night? Had he given off the wrong vibes? Had she thought that he liked her as well?

    The alien's fists tightened. Granted, this was a lot better and more graceful than the drunken love confession, but Kev felt no less lost. It didn't feel right. For more reasons than one... The restaurant was coming up the alien could see Sonia already. Tulsit, of course she'd come. What should he say? What should he do? When should he say something? For now, perhaps he could act normal. Yes, normal. As Kev came closer to Sonia and the entrance, he gave her a wave. "Hello, Sonia. How are you?" Normal, act normal. "Ready for some pancakes?" His posture was a bit more tense than usual, but otherwise he seemed as normal as normal could be! Yep. A nice, normal breakfast.


    Last edited by Kev on Fri Oct 16, 2015 2:35 pm; edited 1 time in total


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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Sonia on Sat Jan 10, 2015 2:39 am

    Act normal. Act normal.

    Kev wrote:"Hello, Sonia. How are you? Ready for some pancakes?"

    Act normal Pushing a smile onto her face she did her best to seem at ease, peaceful despite the storm raging on in her head. "You know it." A nice normal breakfast, she was going to have a nice normal breakfast with her friend. Her friend who she knew didn't love her like she loved him. Her friend who she knew wouldn't love her like she loved him, who she could barely stand to look at because of how much the guilt hurt her.

    Opening the door to the tiny restaurant she kept it open for Kev and then hurried in herself, the cold biting at her fingers. You knew it wasn't ever going to change. Her mind whispered as the waitress found them a booth. You knew he loved her, you knew he wouldn't change. You knew that he wasn't going to end up loving you. You [b]know[b] this. Accept it. Sonia coughed, the inside of her throat suddenly feeling itchy.

    "So, how are things going? She asked, trying to get them off to a good start. "Thanks again for inviting me out for breakfast. I'm glad I get to spend some time with you before you head out for a couple months."
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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Kev on Sat Jan 10, 2015 3:01 am

    Sonia smiled, but the smiles were like the ones last night. Now that he knew how she felt, he knew that she was smiling for his benefit, to seem happy. She was unhappy. This was all wrong, going out like this was supposed to make her happy, remind her that they were friends, that he still cared about her. It never hit him that she would have wanted to be more than friends. That all this was, was a reminder to her that he didn't love her. Why hadn't he considered it?

    "That's great, me too." Yep, ready to sit down in a public area and try to think of how to address something as complicated as unrequited love. Sonia opened the door, holding it for himself to walk in, before walking in behind him. Kev gave the waitress a polite hello before she seated them at a booth, the two of them now seated across from each other and having nothing to look at, but each other. Kev's fingers itched for something to fiddle with, nervous energy building, so he linked his hands together and folded them nicely on the table. Sonia coughed before speaking up, attempting conversation.

    Sonia wrote:"So, how are things going?

    Horrible. "Good, they're going good! How about you?" Also horrible, obviously horrible. "You're welcome. You seemed apprehensive about my leaving, which is completely justified. I wanted to make sure I left you on a good note, until I came back." It seemed so simple, before. Kev's fingers tapped across his own knuckles before looking back at Sonia. "You can tell me anything, you know?"


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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Sonia on Sat Jan 10, 2015 3:19 am

    Yeah, totally ready to sit down in a public place and try not to cause a scene. At least in Sonia's case, she was just trying to keep her composure. She never had thought that Fear would spill the beans, despite their rocky relationship. She honestly had no idea the shit storm that as brewing just on the horizon as she looked over the menu. She felt thirsty, not so much hungry, though she knew that she needed to eat. Her feeding habits had become deplorable as of late, she only consumed food every so often now, she just lacked the appetite.

    "Well i'm just worried is all. Lots of things can happen, and you know. I'll miss you." It was not a lie, it felt as if she had just begun to really talk to Kev again and now he would be leaving. "It's okay though, I know that it's really important for you and I know that you'll come back. Just be careful okay? The thought of him dying out in the wilderness alone made cold dread settle in her stomach.

    Kev wrote:"You can tell me anything, you know?"


    Speaking of cold dread settling in her stomach. Why Kev, what a very odd question to ask. Sonia looked up from her menu to stare at Kev, her expression struggling to remain neutral. "I know I can Kev," which was a lie. There was something that she couldn't tell him, not yet, not until she was ready. Not until she was over it. How unfortunate that someone had already laid her secrets bare. "You can tell me anything too, you know?" She tossed the ball back in his corner.
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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Kev on Sat Jan 10, 2015 4:00 am

    The menu remained unread, Kev already knew he was going to order a glass of orange juice and a bowl, which he would pour some syrup in in order to maintain the illusion that the two of them were sharing a meal. He didn't quite like pancakes, they were so thick and bready. Even liquefied they were so thick. Eggs were babies and liquefied bacon didn't seem very appetizing. Orange juice and syrup. He would stick with those.

    "I understand, I'm a little worried too. It's...it's big, but I've also survived like...at least 6 disasters by now. It won't be a walk in the park, but I'll make it Sonia. And I'll be a better person, for it. I'll miss you too, I'll miss all of you. Which is why I will definitely be coming back. I'm going to be the most prepared I have ever been for this, Sonia. Warm clothes, plenty of sun, plenty of water. It'll be alright."

    What was not so 'alright' was Sonia's reaction. It kind of slipped out, but he meant it at the same time. She could tell him anything. Anything from an honest answer to 'how are you doing?', to a love confession. Still, the black haired human stared at him like a deer about to be run over, though she did a great job of keeping her face neutral. If he had not already known, he would have shrugged it off as an odd response and not dug deeper. She responded, that she knew she could, and yet she still did not tell him her feelings. Which was understandable, he could understand why she hadn't. She had not been doing herself any favors by holding any of this in, though. But would rejection be any better, for her?

    Sonia wrote:"You can tell me anything too, you know?"

    Could he? Could he really? He gave Sonia a good stare. Internally, he debated. Dare he tell her? Should he keep his mouth shut, play dumb? The words ping-ponged around in his skull, should he wait til after she eats, should he do it now and get it over with, but wouldn't the anxiety put her off her food? Finally his gaze lowered. "Sonia...you'd want me to say something to you if something was...bothering me, right? Even if I felt like it might hurt you to say it?" The ball was slung back.


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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Sonia on Sat Jan 10, 2015 4:18 am


    She gave him a tired smile. "I know, I know you'll be okay. " She had faith in him and it was the greatest thing she could give him. Trust and faith. Sonia set her menu down, nothing was really looking appetizing to her, even less so now. A deer in the headlights she was, waiting for the impact that would destroy her, hopefully kill her and put her out of her misery. Folding her hands together she waited and watched, horde buzzing in her head loudly as she observed her friends behavior.

    Kev wrote:"Sonia...you'd want me to say something to you if something was...bothering me, right? Even if I felt like it might hurt you to say it?"


    Suddenly it was so hard to breathe, how strange, how a few words could affect someone. Cold flooded her veins, stones settled in her stomach, her heart beat so fast that for a moment her vision went blurry from the rush of blood. Mercy. She starred at Kev for a moment, her deer in the headlights expression remaining despite her panic. Mercy. How odd what words could do to you, like drawing out your pain, turning it into torture.

    "Yes. I want you to be able to come to me with your problems...even if I won't like it. Even if it hurts me, I want you to be able to come to me, we're friends Kev."

    Friends. She threw the ball back like she wanted nothing to do with it. Friends. Shouldn't it give her comfort? Shouldn't it make her happy? Kev called her his friend, they were friends, the same as kev and judge Fear. Even though she had done nothing to earn it. Even though Fear, a man who murdered people had been a better friend than she. A man who had slid so easily into Kev's life, who fit Kev better than she ever had, who was a better friend than she had ever been.

    I love you and I let you down and you still call me your friend.

    "So what is it then? That you want to tell me?"
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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Kev on Sat Jan 10, 2015 2:20 pm

    "You say that, but I know you'll worry anyway. It's alright, because I'll worry about you and everyone else when I'm gone. As long as you don't worry too much when I'm gone...don't worry yourself sick, or anything." He goaded gently, giving her tired eyes and pale skin a slight look. He knew that over-worrying could make someone sick, and Sonia didn't need that. Not now.

    Mmm, she was so scared. They were so close to just getting it over with. Yet she kept her door shut and closed, locked as well. Never intending for him to find out. But this wasn't right, to her. It wasn't fair. Be cordial, be respectful. Cordial, respectful. The words filled him with some degree of peace as he stared back over at her from across the table. She wanted for him to come to her with his problems, she wanted for him to talk with her, even if it hurt her, because they were friends. His gaze lowered to the table. Cordial. Respectful. Consider her feelings and let her down easy. Should he do it now, or after they eat? Why weren't there manuals for this kind of thing?! 'What to expect when your friend falls in love with you and you don't feel the same'!

    "Sonia..." It was there, right there, almost ready to come out. On the tip of his brain. He tried to remember how he did it with Blade, but after the drunken confession, he had just pretended not to hear it. Eventually after a few teasing remarks, Kev had told Blade how he felt, and it was alright. But Blade...was not Sonia. Sonia had felt like this for a while. Blade had likely only just gotten his feelings or at least noticed them. He wished he knew sooner...he wished she had told him. "I-I don't want to lose you, you know? I don't want to lose anyone else, if I don't have to. You've been drifting away from me, though. You isolate yourself and...you seem so sad. I have...made you sad, Sonia. And I'm sorry." He wanted to grab her hand, and give it a squeeze, but he felt nervous, that it would give the wrong impression. Hope.


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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Sonia on Sat Jan 10, 2015 2:51 pm

    "Of course," she would not lie and say that she wouldn't worry. Of course she would. "And I won't, like I said I know you'll come back." She trusted him, she had faith in him. She had to, it was the greatest thing she could give him, she couldn't deny him those precious things after what she had done.

    Yes, she was scared. Kev would not just outright say what was going on, she could not bring herself to say it either. What if she was wrong? Then she would be confessing to that which he didn't know, she would be ousting herself. She wasn't ready for that, she wasn't ready for this. Mercy. Please! Mercy! Just say it! Mercy! All their tension just might have been scaring the waitress away, where was she? Sonia's knuckles were white, "Yeah?"
    She responded. Kev, kev looked...like he was struggling.

    I love you

    He really looked like he was struggling...

    Kev wrote:"I-I don't want to lose you, you know? I don't want to lose anyone else, if I don't have to. You've been drifting away from me, though. You isolate yourself and...you seem so sad. I have...made you sad, Sonia. And I'm sorry."


    Her hands clenched tighter until they hurt, someone had....was she right? Was she being paranoid? Who? Who had done it? There were only three besides herself...she knew for certain that two would not. Could it actually be then that she pegged it wrong? Or at the third actually ousted her? Kev looked like he was feeling guilt...like he was in pain.

    "Kev-..." Kev was in pain. "You're not going to lose me." She regarded his hands and felt sick. Someone had snubbed out a match on her heart but Kev was in pain. Kev was in pain because he felt guilt for making her sad. She was sad, and hurt, and a lot of other things. Her body, mind and soul ached.

    You don't love me

    Mercy

    Taking a deep breath she reached out for Kev and pushed, pushed everything that hurt deeper down inside her than she ever had before, pushed it so far and then sealed it tight. So that when her hand closed around Kev's and squeezed she could give him what she had wanted. "It's okay, comfort. Be respectful and cordial. She squeezed his hand gently and continued. "It's okay Kev. I knew that you didn't...and that you were never going to... She looked embarrassed, color dusting her cheeks and making the circles under her eyes look darker. "I just wish," she began melancholy. "That I had been allowed to tell you when I felt like was ready, but don't feel guilty or bad Kev. I chose to keep it from you."

    There there, you were okay.
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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Kev on Sat Jan 10, 2015 3:16 pm

    As long as she knew he would come back, that was what was important. And he definitely would come back, maybe a bit changed, but he would come back. He absolutely had to, for the people he cared about. He nodded in response, and said little else, for there was nothing else to be said. At least, on that subject. On the other subject, he just couldn't seem to push it out. It was making Sonia worried, it was making her scared. If he could just come right out and say it, it'd be easier, but he felt like he had her heart in his hands. Whatever he said had the potential to set her free...or crush her. Her hands were clenched so tight, the skin of it so white. Respectful, cordial! Aaagh, it'd be easier if he could just fall in love with her too, but that moment had gone. He should have realized sooner.

    "I hope not...I care about you, we've been through a lot together." He didn't want to lose anyone else. Not if he could help it, not if he could release her anchor and make her feel better, rather than indecisive and scared. He should have known. He should have known. His eyes were trained on the table, so when a hand grabbed his own it nearly startled him. He looked up at her, then back down to her hands, and squeezed his fingers around her hand. This was nice. This felt good. But it was friendship. And now she was trying to make him feel better, when he was supposed to be making her feel better.

    Sonia wrote:"It's okay Kev. I knew that you didn't...and that you were never going to...

    She understood. His fingers squeezed her's again. "I didn't know, when I invited you out. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I wanted us to have a good time, and I do still want us to have a good time. But it wasn't right to keep...stringing you along." She looked so sick, she looked so scared. She looked so sad. "I care about you, but I can't make you happy. You deserve to be happy, and in order to be happy...you had to finally know for sure. And I'm sorry." Both hands clasped around her hand now.

    She wanted to tell him when she was ready, but when would that have been? After a year more of him unintentionally insulting her with his feelings of friendship, with his intentions to connect with her, only has friends? "I know you wanted to tell me when you were ready. But...it was hurting you, not to tell me. I wish I had known sooner. Or at least sooner enough that I wouldn't have...said things." He really ought not to talk, knowing that there were things he hadn't told her. Quite a few things, in fact. "I'm not angry though, or hurt. I still care about you. I just don't want you to be hurt by me, anymore." It wasn't fair to her, or her feelings.


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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Sonia on Sat Jan 10, 2015 4:42 pm

    They had been through so much, both suffering through similar pains. They'd stuck together through so much, and it made Kev mean a lot to her. "I know you didn't know Kev, and it doesn't matter. I would have loved to get pancakes with you no matter what. She held his hand a little tighter. "No," she stated firmly. "You didn't "string me along" or anything like that. That wasn't what this was. She smiled a little at him. "Kev, I always knew that you were never going to love me back like that. I always knew, you and me being friends, when we were together I wasn't delusional. I didn't think that maybe there'd be a chance someday of you and me being together because I knew that it would never happen." Delusion was easy, but it only made things worse. She had always known.

    "Kev I love you, but you don't love me. And that's fine." She said, her voice soft and gentle. "There's nothing you could have said because I already knew, so don't blame yourself or feel guilty over this. I knew, but I wanted more time to accept it and let it go. Which is why I wish that whoever had told you hadn't..you know...told you. But I still care about you too, and I always will no matter what." It was a promise, and she kept her promises.
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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Kev on Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:34 am

    As long as Sonia knew that he didn't know before. It would make this seem like some sort of planned trap. 'Hey, wanna go out somewhere as friends? Surprise, it's a love interrogation'! "Me too. I'm sorry, it's been a while since we've done something like this." Her grip tightened and when she asserted that he hadn't strung her along, it was with a firm tone. Kev offered her a small nod. He probably hadn't strung her along anymore than he had Blade. It felt good to hear it, though. Sonia continued, explaining that she had...always known that he wouldn't love her. She had kept a clear head, and never fooled herself into thinking he would fall for her. That...hurt more, to hear. She completely wrote the possibility of them getting together off, and yet she was still stuck with these feelings. How could he have not known?

    Sonia wrote:"Kev I love you, but you don't love me. And that's fine."

    Was it really fine? The alien gave Sonia a measured look, trying to assess how she was doing. She was being...reassuring, and kind, and gentle. She wanted time to let it go, she wanted time to deal with it. Kev's hand squeezed her's. "Maybe this needed to happen...to help you let go. So that there wouldn't be any uncertainty or indecision." No what if's, no buts. When Sonia mentioned that whoever had told him ought not have told him, he lowered his eyes. Judge Fear had told him to tell her it was him... "Judge Fear could...feel how upset I was making you. He was a little...annoyed that I was being so dense with you. I wish it had been you who told me, but...if you haven't told me by now...how long would it have taken? That's not right to you. To make you hold everything in for months at a time..." He wanted to wrap his arms around her and comfort her, but it didn't feel right. Not now. Not after last night, and this morning. In time he would be able to give her such easy and open affection, but not today.

    "I'm glad to hear that. I'll always care about you too." As long as she was here, he would care about her. He gave her hand one more squeeze before chuckling, slightly awkward. "Where's that waitress? She could at least give us something to drink." He attempted to lighten the mood.


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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Sonia on Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:27 am

    "It has been," hadn't it? Sonia missed him, she really did. A pain struck sharp in her head, making her lightheaded for a moment yet she held it in, maintaining her balance. The pain was familiar now, the voices of her horde raking across her brain like nails, only Aristotle and some others remained silent, thinking softly.

    Kev wrote:"Maybe this needed to happen...to help you let go. So that there wouldn't be any uncertainty or indecision."


    No. And that hurt a little. "Heh." She laughed a little nervously. "I wouldn't say that there was really any uncertainty or indecision." She had no delusions, and she would have let go when she was ready. She could not say that she was ready now, this confrontation left her feeling open and uncomfortable. She hadn't wanted this, she had wanted to tell Kev when she was comfortable with herself, with letting go. When she had felt she had gotten over him. "Ah, I thought it might be him," she knew it couldn't be Zurg or Livewire. Neither of them would betray her confidence. Good intentions or not she was still a little mad.

    "I would have told you when I was ready, when I felt comfortable telling you, I don't know how long that would have taken." But it still would have been on her terms, not out of the blue out in the open for everyone to see like this. Not when she was suppose to be having a good time with kev. "It's fine." She affectionately squeezed his hand and let him segway onto a new topic. "I'm sure she's around here somewhere." Probably avoiding their table due to how tense everything was.

    Sonia slipped her hands out of Kevs and leaned back in her chair. It didn't take long but the waitress did come, casting a nervous look between the two of them. She apologized for taking so long and asked the both of them what they wanted.
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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Kev on Mon Jan 12, 2015 1:35 am

    Indeed, it had, though the alien by no means blamed Sonia for that fact. The two of them had gotten busy, things came up. Life got in the way. Sonia wasn't the only person he was overdue for a nice visit for either. Perhaps when his training was done and things had calmed down, he could go a-visiting some of the people he really needed to. To catch up. A lot can happen in a couple of months...

    Sonia wrote:"Heh. I wouldn't say that there was really any uncertainty or indecision."

    The Kryptonistanian winced. That had been the wrong thing to say, hadn't it? Though if there was no uncertainty or indecision...why was Sonia still so hung up on her emotions for Kev? If she really had made peace with the fact that he wouldn't have felt the same for her, why did it still bother her so much? Why did it hurt her? Maybe another time, he would bring it up, but for now he felt liked he had stepped over a boundary. "Oh, well...in that case, alright." He replied instead, awkward and unsure what the correct response should be. Sonia had suspected it had been Fear, Kev giving her a slight nod and not much else. Kev himself wasn't even sure who all knew, so the list of possible suspects was likely small.

    Sonia asserted that she would have told him herself when she was ready, comfortable. Though as for how long that would have taken...the woman did not know. Kev could understand how she wanted to make sure she was emotionally ready to tell him, but it seemed like something that would take a while. It was scary to know, it hurt a bit to know, but he also wanted to know. She may not have been ready to broach this topic, but Kev being clueless and unintentionally hurting her wasn't going to make her anymore ready. Though the subject was shifting, and Sonia did seem more relaxed. "Yeah, you're right. We're in no hurry, anyway." Sure enough, the waitress finally reappeared, looking all sorts of uncomfortable and awkward. Suppose being on the outside of this conversation was a bit rough...

    In any case, this was supposed to be time for himself and Sonia to hang out and have a good time, and now that they had addressed her crush, they could get started on having a nice time. "No problem, Miss! I'll have a glass of orange juice, no pulp. A bottle of maple syrup and a bowl too, please, and I'm fine." Sonia was the one getting an actual meal from this place, so the waitress likely need to focus more on her. "I could pay for your meal if you want, Sonia. Think of it as a delayed Christmas gift, get whatever you want."


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    Re: Pancakes are suppose to be happy

    Post by Sonia on Mon Jan 12, 2015 11:52 am

    There was a difference between understanding the truth and making peace with it. And to still feel such things when you knew it could never be could lead to such guilt, such pain. Pain that she was apparently still causing Kev judging by that wince, more guilt to add to her already growing collection. She just really was...

    Kev wrote:"Oh, well...in that case, alright."


    awful

    The waitress finally arriving, looking all sorts of uncomfortable as she took their orders. Poor woman, Sonia felt sorry that she had to be caught on the outside of their little talk. Kev offered to pay for her, as a late Christmas gift. As much as she wanted to object to that she couldn't bring herself to, whatever made Kev happy. She wanted Kev to be happy, so she just smiled. "Alright, but i'm paying for you next time." She ordered waffles with syrup, toast, and coffee. The waitress took both their orders and left them be, only to return shortly with their food. Wow, that was fast! The waitress gave them each what they had ordered and left the bill for Kev, telling them to call for her if they needed anything else.

      Current date/time is Tue Nov 21, 2017 10:21 pm