Portal Breach: The Collision of Worlds :: v.4.0


    The David and Goliath Syndrome

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    The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Agents K and J on Mon Jul 09, 2012 9:49 pm

    Time: 0930 PBT
    Date: June 22th, 2012


    Agent J had spent the last two days staking out his target, the man using every recon technique known to him. Some disguises, a little bit of sneaking, thorough investigation; you know, Call of Duty crap. That game was a timesink... Anyway, J could have just gone to the target's house but that would leave the Agent at a disadvantage! Nope, he was going to slam his mark in public, where witnesses were common. And... hopefully objective. J's target had a silver tongue on him. "Where are you, you purple bastard..." J casually cruised down the main aisle, peeking down a few rows from time to time. The alien was here; always did his groceries at this time on Friday. Hah, see? Not bad, right?

    He wouldn't be down the sweets row; couldn't eat a thing on those shelves. And he wouldn't be in the processed foods department, either. Something about... eating healthy or whatever. Personally J liked his artificial ingredients but what did he know? Maybe he was down the - aha, gotcha!

    No sooner had J seen the familiar shades of teal and green did the Agent instantly leap back, far out of sight. Bingo, down the seafood section... Like clockwork, baby. Feeling mighty confident about himself and thinking he did a job well done, the Agent very carefully peered a slim portion of his head over the row's shelf. There was that cross-dressing menace... Look at him, with his back turned and not having a clue that he was being staked. Hah, not so mighty now, are you? If J wanted, he would have popped those horns right off your thick head. You're lucky, punk. Lucky. J grimaced at the confirmed sight of his target and pulled his head away.

    Okay, so let's recap. The target was unaware of his presence; this was good. And J was armed to the teeth with plenty of shoppers around; this was also good. Good, good, good! Let's do this. Smoothing out his suit's lapels and making sure he was presentable of the MIB, J put on his signature glasses to appear imposing and he turned down the row without a single falter in step. Time to shine.

    "Yo, Evil Emperor Zurg. I got a..." Except... there was no target! J hastily took off his glasses to make sure he wasn't seeing anything, and sure enough... there was just... the cart in the aisle. Where... Where was the alien? "...bone to pick with you," he finished with a confused murmur. Okay... That wasn't good. That was actually far from good. Well, so much for the tough-guy approach.

    J went over to the cart and started to pick at the contents, making faces at some of the... ah, selections. "The hell is this shit?" He knew aliens ate alien things, but this stuff should be illegal! Ugh, pickled fish stomachs? What in the hell... Oh, now this was just precious. The Agent put down the bottle of fish stomachs and held up a jar of incredibly foul-smelling spices. "Damn..." Agent J winced, holding the jar as far away as possible. "I feel sorry for whoever lives with him." Wonder what else the alien had in here...
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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Zurg on Mon Jul 09, 2012 10:04 pm

    You know the one thing Zurg valued over many other intangible concepts? His privacy. Yep, something so simple as his privacy. And you know what happens when you violate something as sacred as his privacy? Well, you would normally get thumped out of existence, but this time... This time Agent J was going to get what he had coming. Yes, it was true. The monarch preferred to do his grocery shopping on a Friday morning. It worked fairly well at the end of the week and the weekend allowed him the time to stock up without being interrupted. It was also true, if you asked someone who was up to date with people, that the alien didn't like sweets or artificial components in his foods. Common knowledge if you listened carefully.

    He'll give you some props, Agent J. You put effort into stalking, but you were about to become the prey to a master predator.

    As Zurg finished weighing a healthy slab of fish and getting it wrapped, the alien nonchalantly abandoned his basket. Someone had the audacity to tail him for two days and he most certainly didn't like it. Who? He didn't outright know, but he was going to find out right about now. Quietly striding down the row parallel with the seafood section's, Zurg turned the corner and found a surprise of his own.

    Agent J, and the man was going through the monarch's food choices, making those lovely comments the Agent was known for. Yes, those were pickled fish stomachs. They were pretty good if you knew how to mix them up with that jar of stinky spices you were holding. Narrowing his eyes, the alien silently sneaked up behind the man and let his shadow drape over Agent J, a rumbling, dismayed tone stirring the air. "I would hope that you have a search warrant to browse my goods."


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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Agents K and J on Mon Jul 09, 2012 10:17 pm

    Oh, damn.

    Agent J almost dropped another jar of questionable foodstuffs, but his quick hands caught it before the store would lose out on profit and their noses would lose out on a few hairs. This stuff stank! "No, I do not have a search warrant," J snarked back as he turned around, attitude at its maximum and not an ounce of fear to him. Face to face with the Evil Emperor Zurg... God, J really didn't want to do this but he had to - for K. "The same as you should be required to have a license for this!" Not bothering to look at where he was grabbing, Agent J reached his arm around, eyes still locked with the alien's, and the Agent whipped the evidence before Zurg's veiled face. What he grabbed was soft, wrapped in plastic, and pretty damn colorful. "A bag of Maxi pads, perfect for overnight leaking and now with flexi-wings!" ...What?

    ...The silence was palpable.

    J eyed his find and slowly reached back around to gently place the package back in the cart. "That's... probably for Miss Pistonne, huh?" Smooth, real smooth. Unless the alien bled when in heat... which was totally understandable, dude. Your business in the loo was your business. But enough about that! Agent J made a face and waved a hand around to get the focus back to where it needed to be. "Okay, okay! I'm sorry for looking into your damn basket, but I ain't here for your shopping list!" Oh, god, no. J wanted nothing to do with the alien's shopping list. "Look, my partner is missing. K? The old man who talks in one tone all the time? He's kinda like you because he smiles like this." And thus, J made a face that was both sour and disinterested - it was definitely not a smile. Like the Evil Emperor, right? Man, K and Zurg should hang out and do old men things. The alien probably liked his coffee tasting like dirt, too.
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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Zurg on Mon Jul 09, 2012 10:36 pm

    "Careful with that," Zurg warned. "That is a jar of fermented skreeliik ink sacs. You drop those and you won't be able to smell for weeks." With a grumble the alien took his jar of questionable foodstuffs unto his hands and was further agitated as Agent J proclaimed to the world what else Zurg had in his basket. Yes, those were overnight Maxi pads. Jo was a woman. Zurg liked his sheets clean. She needed overnight Maxi pads. "Those are for Miss Pistonne, yes." Nope, can't say that Zurg was thrilled to be bothered so early in his day. He only sighed and lightly shoved his weight ahead, taking control of his cart and moving away from the noisy Agent. "Apology accepted," he grumbled, unenthusiastic. "Now, can you please stop following me? It is rude and I don't like it." Not to mention unwarranted, too.

    But Agent J wasn't getting the message. Apparently his partner was missing (why that was Zurg's business the alien didn't know) and somehow Agent J thought the monarch could... help? How did he come up with that hare-brained conclusion?

    When Agent J did his best impersonation of his partner's poor attempt at a smile, Zurg paused in his pushing and just... stared. And, oh, if it was not a royal stare. "Are you mocking me," the alien flatly remarked. Zurg knew his smile was pathetic, yes. Now stop rubbing it in! It was bad enough that Jo always wanted him to smile more... "I can't help you, Agent J," Zurg firmly replied back. "I don't know what you require of me and I don't know the specifics of your case. I quit that business, so please..." The alien put a few more shakers of curry spices and bags of organic ingredients into his cart. "Find somebody else. I have other concerns now, and the people who I care about need me more."

    True Neutral, right on the tin.


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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Agents K and J on Mon Jul 09, 2012 11:01 pm

    ...Why in the hell would you need ink sacs? J made a face and was more than happy to give the jar up. Guh-ross!

    Maxi pads and clean sheets aside, the Evil Emperor wasn't hearing J's plea. Damn, it was like appealing to the Supreme Court. Ain't nothin' gonna happen at this rate! "I'm not mocking if that's the truth - but again, that's not important." J quickly shuffled ahead of Zurg's cart and proceeded to block it, hands upon the metal-wire frame and polished boots firmly planted on the tiled floor. "Yes, you can help me. I know you can, because I tried to hack into one of them satellites and all I got was... Zurgythingy, or whatever the hell you call your language." Probably a poor choice of words on J's part, but he was a desperate man. Again, however, the Evil Emperor was proving to be a stubborn old goat - just like K. Grumpy old men...

    His Royal Grumpiness wrote:"I take offense to what you just called my language. No, I will not help you, Agent J. And if you do not vacate my immediate presence then so help me, I will help you. Now, please; leave me alone."
    Wah, wah, WAH.

    J took his hands away with a little bit of attitude and he did step aside. "My bad, Your Royal Pain-in-my-Ass. Us common folk are but flies upon your purple butt. It's coo'."

    His MajASSty wrote:"Cute."
    Oh, J will show you cute, alright.

    This was most likely against so many rules back at MIB HQ and could very well cost J his life, but you know what? He didn't care. You don't get through to people like Zurg following etiquette. Nope. That's why J rubbed his nose, sniffed, and looked around before he did what happened next.

    Yoink!

    J went up, hand outstretched, and he literally snatched the facial shawl right off the Evil Emperor's heated head. Damn, this thing felt fine. Was this made of some kind of silk from extraterrestrial moths - ?

    King Kong wrote:"X'SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
    At the terrible, dual-toned bellow glass things shook on the shelves and everyone in the store clutched their chests - including J, who felt sick to his stomach. That feeling was multiplied ten times as the Evil Emperor whipped around, eyes flaring, and those piano key-teeth of his pulled into the biggest snarl this side of the planet. "Oh, shit!" Bad idea? Bad idea. That only left one thing to do.

    J ran. And he ran fast.
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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Zurg on Mon Jul 09, 2012 11:23 pm

    Under any circumstances you do not - repeat, do NOT - snatch a facial shawl that didn't belong to you. You also didn't snatch the Grace's shawl, which also didn't belong to you. Putting two and two together, what Agent J had just committed was an act punishable by death - outsiders have no rights in a X'rghthu court of law, just saying.

    "HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY FACIAL SHAAAAAWWWL!" Normally Zurg's temper had been under control. The monarch had given 110% effort in trying to take back his moods, but was he flawless? No, as Agent J was seeing just now. His enrage timer hit, the infuriated monarch was at an emotional crossword. Culture dictated that the outsider be punished, and thoroughly, but the more merciful side in him said to handle this with grace and dignity. "COME BACK HERE, YOU INSOLENT THIEF. I WILL BREAK YOUR BONES AND TURN YOUR BEATEN BODY INTO A BOWL OF GELATINOUS OOZE!" Yeeeeeeah... so much for grace and dignity. Incoming regression!

    At a whopping six feet and six inches, Zurg's weight effortlessly propelled him down the row like a freight train. Good luck stopping this purple juggernaut, because he stopped for no one. Thud! Thud! Thud! Hear that? That was the sound of his feet pummeling your skull in a few moments after he was through with the supermarket's floor, Agent J. "ARRRRRGH!" Oh, he mad. Mad enough to the point that he wanted nothing more than to just utterly eviscerate the human agent.

    Think you can outrun someone who is faster than Usain Bolt, Agent J? Unlike you, Zurg can run for days.


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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Agents K and J on Mon Jul 09, 2012 11:44 pm

    For days!? Goddamn!

    By now J was getting the message loud and clear; don't steal someone's shawl? Got it. "Yeah, I stole your shawl. So what!?" J, that mouth of yours was going to find you an early grave. As if to fuel the fire even more, J put on the shawl and found it to be a very comfortable fit. "Look at me, Zurg! I'm wearing your shawl! Ooh, gettin' human lice all over it!"

    Zurg, the Pirate wrote:"ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!"
    The move was an instant classic with the one-man audience.

    Stop fooling around, J! Zurg could literally bench press your face into the asphalt and think nothing of it. If you didn't get on your A-game, the alien was going to steamroll you. Think, think, think...! Zurg was tall, very tall; he was heavy, very heavy. Now, what do we know about tall, heavy people who run too fast? "They can't slow down," J slightly smiled. Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Time to stop your rampage, Zurg, and that is exactly what J did.

    Out of a ploy that even K would be proud of, Agent J dropped to his knees and instantly huddled into a compact human ball. What followed next was music to his ears.

    CRASH!
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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Zurg on Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:03 am

    Alas, poor Zurg. His overeager nature sometimes got the better of him and this instance in his life rang true to such a fact. Right as his fingers were mere centimeters from hooking themselves around the fabrics of J's black suit, something... interesting happened. It was all rather a blur to the monarch's vision. In one second the Agent was there and in the next... gone. The next thing that Zurg knew was the sickening sensation of his feet leaving the ground, his stomachs flip-flipping in place as the bungling alien was thrown horns-over-heels. He tripped on the Agent's curled body and that was the price Zurg paid for thinking with his anger and not with his head.

    CRASH!
    The impact was nothing shy of glorious. Glass shattered everywhere as the heavy alien's body made contact with the jam display, and several pounds of jelly were now left upon the tiled floor, spoiled. That wasn't the worst of it, of course. "Ooouughh..." Coming to his senses, albeit painfully, Zurg urged his aching body to sit upright. A shaky hand was now upon his head and the ruler tried with all his might to stand upon his own two feet again. What greeted him made his heart sink.

    Jam. Nothing but jam coated his robes, the alien at such a great loss in his chest as he inspected the clothing. Handmade and now soiled because of his own incompetence... To say that Zurg felt crushed was a severe understatement. These were his robes and now? Now they reflected his faulty thought process several moments ago. Never mind that he had just made a fool himself in the supermarket without even trying and that the store clerks were going to have a rough morning thanks to him. So inconsiderate and hasty. "Forgive me," he said to a nearby employee, who appeared shocked. "I will personally take accountability for this. Please allow me to address some prior business, however." Agent J...

    It would be a lie to say that Zurg didn't feel angry towards the man. It was a bubbling anger, but it was anger nonetheless. The monarch clenched his fists and marched out from the mess he had caused, his bare feet leaving little jammy footprints as he headed for the backdoor. No doubt the Agent had gone through here, as it was left wide open. Sloppy, Agent J.

    Now outside and with some fresh air to clear his head, Zurg closed his eyes and took a hearty inhale. Hmm, cheap cologne... The alien opened his eyes and headed for a nearby garbage dumpster, where he effortlessly gripped its side and shoved it away. Screeeeeeeeeech! All 200lbs+ of garbage and metal was now cast away, leaving a huddling Agent J to look up at the alien, shawl still on his head. Zurg simply narrowed his eyes and held out his hand. "I believe you have something that belongs to me, and I would like it back," he said firmly.


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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Agents K and J on Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:19 am

    What's that? No death rays going off, no screams for help, no nothin'! Agent J had been expecting at least some explosions lighting up the sky - something! But, when nothing came of the supermarket fiasco J became a little bold. Not too bold, but bold enough. He briefly stuck his head out, shawl still on, from the dumpster he was hiding behind and frowned. "Huh... Guess he gave up?" Not likely, knowing this alien's track record for being tenacious.

    And to prove it, seconds later a familiar purple hue walked through the door and down went J. The Agent made sure he had a weapon primed and ready to go in case things got worse - hopefully it wouldn't resort to that, but you never know. Victory favored preparation and all that.

    Screeeeeeeeeech!

    "Yo, watch it homes!" J instantly tucked his feet underneath him as the garbage dumpster was thrust several feet away. Note to self: do not arm wrestle with this alien. You may lose a limb. Maybe both. Now that Zurg was back in the picture and less zealous about breaking all of J's bones, the Agent stood back up and... tried not to stare at the alien's dirtied attire. Quick, say something flattering! He might like that. "Uh... At least you smell nice...?" Eh, it was worth a shot and J handed back the shawl with little objection. "Sorry about, you know, taking your shawl and breaking your alien culture rules. Hold up, is that boysenberry?" J paused to stick his finger into a patch of deep violet jam on Zurg's chest, bringing the sample back for a taste. "Mmm... That's some good jam." Focus, J.

    "Oh! Don't mind me," he said with a smile and a small laugh. "I like me some good jam, cause... you know... it's good and... Yeeaah..." This was all kinds of awkward. Please don't turn J into your skin color, purple all over after you're done walloping him. "...This is the part where you beat me black and blue, isn't it?"
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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Zurg on Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:29 am

    You were fortunate, Agent J. The monarch you were speaking to wasn't like his more impetuous self since you last met. That meant that Zurg took his shawl, not snatched nor grabbed, and he calmly put it back upon his head where it belonged. Minus readjusting the facial veil, as Agent J had already seen his face. He also didn't raise a fist against the human, instead keeping that stern, stoic expression upon his face. "I wouldn't know if it is boysenberry," the alien replied with an indifferent tone. "I would not know because I cannot eat jam." Sugar, you know.

    What is it about Zurg that attracted insults so regularly?

    Regardless of everything that happened, the only thing the monarch found suitable was to sigh. Zurg sighed, shaking his head slightly at the Agent before him. "Your partner means that much to you, doesn't he?" Why else would a man carry a death wish like so? "Well, he must if you're willing to anger an alien superpower like myself. Perhaps I should feel flattered or humoured; instead I just feel tired. What do you want me to do about your missing partner, K."

    Who said a Karnosian greeblesnack couldn't change its scales?


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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Agents K and J on Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:46 am

    Looks like David had either humbled or tired Goliath, and Agent J wasn't about to stretch his chances anymore than he already had. The Agent took his finger back and didn't sample more jam after that, instead trying to be respectful. "Oh. That's... too bad." Because jam was pretty good and all. Not all aliens were made equal and that was the truth.

    Zurg wrote:"What do you want me to do about your missing partner, K."
    Wait, what?

    J snapped up, renewed hope in his eyes. "R-Really...? You're... You're gonna help me out?" Shocked the metaphorical shit out of J! Then again, the Agent had lived through a lot of surprises thanks to this career. This was one of the more positive ones, and J always preferred those. "Uh, well... Like I said earlier, I had hac - I mean, accessed one of your satellites. Only problem was... I can't read your language. Here, check it out." If Zurg was willing to help find Agent K, then J saw no reason to keep things distrustful. The Agent dug into his suit and pulled out the device from two days earlier, handing it over to the alien after he got it online.

    Boink!
    Zzz!
    Whack!


    "Sorry, it's kinda... old," he weakly explained with a fledgling smile. "A-Anyway, as you can see, I managed to get into the main command console but I just can't... read anything. You mind working it for me and getting a pinpoint on K? You got them satellites all over the place. Surely one of them's spotted my partner." Had to...
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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Zurg on Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:59 am

    Yes, it was too bad. But Zurg didn't take any real offense by it. He's lived his life without jam before and he can keep living without it now. "Yes, I will assist you in finding your partner," the monarch rumbled, focusing on the main issue at hand. He did quirk an eye at the mentioning of his satellites being hacked, however. Although he would not outright say it, Zurg knew what it was like to lose someone close to you - someone almost like family. Zurg had lost a lot of people like that over the three years here... Maybe it was an act of mercy or an act of sympathy, but Zurg would not say.

    He simply took out his faithful reading glasses and put them on while handling the device when offered. It was very old in the alien's opinion but nothing a little trial and error can't fix. "If Agent K has been spotted by my satellite array then we will be able to find your partner with little to no effort," he reassured the younger Agent. Able to understand his own language much better than J, Zurg took several seconds browsing through the logs.

    Which became a minute...
    And then five minutes...
    Then ten...
    Twenty...
    Twenty-five...

    It was at thirty minutes, a whole half hour, that Zurg eventually stopped sifting through the satellite's cracked databanks. And it was with a heavy heart that he told J some unfortunate news. "I am afraid, Agent J, that my satellites have not spotted your partner." Which meant one of several things - things that Zurg, himself, did not have the pleasure of addressing. "I... am not sure if Agent K is even on the same planet as you are, or if he remains in the same Gamma. I am sorry, Agent J, but there appears to be no trace of him on the grid. I am sorry." The monarch handed back the device solemnly, more than willing to let the Agent have some time to himself after hearing such awful news.


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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Agents K and J on Tue Jul 10, 2012 2:09 am

    J couldn't believe it. He honestly couldn't. Here was the Evil Emperor, Supreme Grump of the Universe, actually helping the man out to find his lost partner. It was a real feel-good moment, but that would not last. It wouldn't, because as the time slowly dragged on by, J's hope dwindling with each passing minute... The news he had dreaded to hear came at last.

    Zurg wrote:"I am sorry, Agent J, but there appears to be no trace of him on the grid."
    No...

    Those words whispered themselves repeatedly in J's mind, the Agent not... entirely sure this was really happening. "N-No, that... that can't be right," he shakily grinned, that small laugh coming out of his mouth out of fear than joy. "K wouldn't do that. I know K. He... He wouldn't leave me behind, his partner. He wouldn't do that to me." But the more J tried to stand up for his friend and the more he tried to keep the fight alive... something in him, something he had been clutching onto weakly, died. J's hope died, and the Agent pressed his back against the supermarket's brick wall, the man sliding down until he hit the asphalt below, dumbfounded.

    "He... He wouldn't do that to me... his partner..." he repeated quietly out of shock. K... You wouldn't do that...
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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Zurg on Tue Jul 10, 2012 2:17 am

    Such hope... crushed. Zurg had seen, had felt, that all too well. This was not his misery to partake, and the alien looked away, allowing J to have his moment of grieving respectfully. It was an awful thing to feel, despair. It was crippling, overpowering. As much as the monarch wanted to help the young man beside him... he couldn't. This was not his fight, this was not his battle. Their ways were determined not to meddle in the affairs of other, but... Zurg felt a little bold himself and he took a short peek at Agent J. The man was devastated... Is it not a crime to ignore someone in need? In that moment it became clear to the monarch.

    Buzz...
    Xenon...
    Darkmatter...
    Casshern...
    Arrow...
    Zippy...
    Barry...
    Keaton...

    Countless others had left before, hadn't they? Hadn't they...? And during all those times didn't the monarch, the Evil Emperor, just stand there like some lame child and helplessly watch? Helplessly enable? And during all those times hadn't Zurg felt sick and miserable inside? Hadn't he...?

    The alien became visibly troubled, his long-buried conscience starting to act up. Here he had a chance to help someone find closure, to help someone avoid becoming like him. He had to help Agent J - he had to. Zurg decided right then and there that he wasn't going to stand by anymore and watch a friend lose their closest companion - their everything. "There is... one other way I can help you, Agent J," the alien quietly rumbled, both unsure and determined. "I... do not know if it will work, but if it means finding your friend... then it is worth the chance. I need you to remove your shoes, however."

    His shoes? Strange...


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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

    Post by Agents K and J on Tue Jul 10, 2012 2:52 am

    Why, K... Why had you gone this way? Was it because of him? Had J been too... obnoxious? Did you finally find a way to remove yourself from your partner without consequence? Why couldn't you have told him you were unhappy... It was uncomfortable sitting there, in the presence of the Evil Emperor. J didn't want to cry, but this hurt... this hurt so badly. It was like... a betrayal; a betrayal of someone who you thought had your back after all these years. It was just... just...

    Zurg wrote:"There is... one other way I can help you, Agent J."
    "Unless you can bring back the dead, I think you can't..." Hear the alien out, J. Zurg seemed to be up to something... The more J listened to the Evil Emperor's words the more that spark started to dimly ignite. Hope was back, if faintly, and the Agent would have been a fool to miss this opportunity. He took off his shoes without hesitation, including his socks, and the Agent now stood barefoot before the alien. "Okay, socks and shoes off," he said, shaking his arms. Something weird was going to happen, wasn't it? Why was he asked to take off his footwear...?

    Zurg wrote:"Good. Now, come closer and take my hands. Go on, my skin is quite smooth or so I've been told."
    ...Okay.

    J tentatively reached out with both hands to grip the Evil Emperor's, not quite sure if he liked where this was going. It was probably some kind of erotic, intimate mindlink... Why couldn't Zurg be this gorgeous, drop-dead alien woman? And not whatever the hell he was. Zurgythingy women probably looked exactly alike... "Hey," J remarked with a slight grin, his mind switching gears. "You're right. Your hands are - urk!" And then, because J had called it, the Agent was suddenly gripped in this tight, very intimate bear hug with the Evil Emperor. Face in the alien's chest, Agent J tried to squeak out a sentence with his squashed lips. "Uh, Zurg..." he gurgled. "You're not going to, you know... Make love with me or anything like that, are you? Cause, no offense, but I don't swing that way..." The rumbling that came out of the alien's chest alarmed J like no other, Zurg apparently chuckling. He sounded like a washing machine...

    Zurg wrote:"Noted, Agent J. We will not be bonding our bodies this morning, you can rest assured."
    That was a relief... Hey...!

    "Uh..." J couldn't really see, but he felt the alien's feet extremely close to his, their skin touching. Okay, so; hands being held together, check; feet being touched, check; bodies intertwined, check. No homo, really! But damn if this wasn't weird... Zurg was also really soft and warm, like J's childhood teddy bear! He missed that damn teddy bear... Oh, right. Focus. "Zurg... Can I... Can I ask what, exactly, it is that we are doing? I'd kinda like to know, see... It's important in human tradition back on Earth to know what other more dominant males, even from other species, are about to do to the smaller ones... Just enlightening you, that's all."

    Zurg, of course, didn't buy that BS. But he certainly was a good sport.

    Zurg wrote:"We are going to ask a question."
    Oh... That's all? How come like this?

    "A... question." Yeah, J was beyond incredulous by now and the man struggled to lift his head up so he could see the alien's face. "Can't you just... ask it normally? Who are you gonna ask, anyway? I'm the only one around." Zurg just stared back down, looking really amused with that little smile on his face. So he could show happiness! K, shame on you.

    Zurg wrote:"Why, the planet of course. We are going to ask the planet."
    "...The planet." Chalk that right up there with this hug, because shit just got strange. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but... We are currently in this embrace, with you obviously cuddling me like a mighty fine woman, in order to ask the planet, who is beneath our bare feet and pretty quiet might I add, a question. Did I get all of that."

    Zurg wrote:"Correct. Now, hold still..."
    Well, that didn't sound so bad... Maybe this was - and then suddenly J felt Zurg's cheek atop his head, the Agent frozen in place as the alien proceeded to happily hum something melodic.

    "Zurg... Zurg, what are you doing," J slowly asked, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Okay, so... J had a giant teddy bear hugging him. A giant, six feet and six inches, really well-built, heavy teddy bear who smelled like earth and ashes. Great. J tried not to make a face and he just... stood there, at the mercy of all this. You know, nothing could possibly make this - and then J spotted a lone salesclerk standing out from the backdoor, perhaps mesmerized and what she was seeing.

    God. Damn. It.

    Seeing as Zurg was in this trance-like state and humming, that left J to squirm and try to save his reputation. "Yo, it's... it's not what you think," he began. "See, my purple friend here, is from a race of space hippies; yeah, they really get into nature and all that shit. He's affectionate and very harmless. Something spooked him in your store so I'm out here calming him down, which... happens in the form of their universal hug, see?" And so J put on a fake smile, holding the alien happily while pretending to hum right back. Of all the things...! The clerk seemed to buy it though, and she slowly crawled back inside the supermarket, the door creaking behind her and locked shut.

    Well... At least she didn't, you know, scream... But J wanted to.

    "Zurg, when we get out of this you are so dead. Zurg?" No response. Not so much as a peep and J struggled to look back at the alien, his head currently stuck in place. "Yo, Zurg. Portal Breach to Zuuuurg. Zurg phone home. Zurg!" he hissed. That prompted a grunt out of the alien, Zurg's hold on J tightening to the point the Agent winced.

    Zurg wrote:"Hrrrrmgh... You make too much noise, Agent J. Try to relax, empty your mind... Think only of your partner."
    "This is some strange shit - some strange shit." But for all his griping J did what he was told, settling down and leaning into the Evil Emperor. It's not like he had a choice, so... he closed his eyes and emptied his mind, thinking of nothing except for his partner, the good times and the bad times. Strangely doing just that alone brought some inner peace to the Agent and he almost didn't mind being held in the back of the supermarket's alleyway.

    Almost.

    "Some strange shit..." he murmured for good measure.

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    Re: The David and Goliath Syndrome

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