Portal Breach: The Collision of Worlds :: v.4.0


    By the Lake

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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Zurg on Thu Oct 06, 2011 5:39 am

    Look at Jo, thinking she had to lead him around like a little lost lamb. On the contrary, our dear mechanic, the Evil Emperor was quite fine without the use of his eyes. Thanks to his senses of smell, hearing and touch, the alien knew exactly where they were. Well, not exactly but he could tell his surroundings as if he had eyesight. The only thing he couldn't sense were the people, the moving objects that didn't like to stand still, and in that regard he kept close to Jo out of precaution. Besides, holding her hand was kind of... nice. Yeah, kind of nice.

    "The only thing worse than my bark is the sting of my latest death ray." As if he could bite! What was this about a lighthouse? Zurg made a slight noise of discomfort and shivered. "This isn't the haunted lighthouse, is it...?" Aw, such a meek voice that time. Still superstitious to a fault and too hardheaded to outright admit it. "I don't know, Jo. I don't do well when it concerns the supernatural. Are you sure it's not a nice lighthouse? One without agonized spirits?" Surely there was a nice lighthouse they could see, right? And you couldn't get Zurg out on the ice if you tried. Ice was not meant to be standing on or goofing off with! That, and the Evil Emperor wasn't too familiar with the slick surface (as you can see in PB Karts).

    With his limbs still closer to the center of his body, Zurg tried to shake off the unsettling feeling about haunted lighthouses and he focused. That's right, they were hungry, weren't they? Maybe getting something to eat wouldn't be so bad, and they should be heading back to the city soon. Neither of them had planned to spend the night camping -- Zurg wasn't a nature boy like his heroic counterpart, Lightyear. "Well, if you don't see anything else that doesn't strike your fancy, then perhaps we should see what there is to dine on. I'm for either or." Seeing as the lake wind felt very nice against his heated skin, eating outdoors wasn't something he shunned. Jo, however, may want something a little warmer.

    She needed and extra coat of fat! Or, as she liked to jest, blubber. He was so never going to let her forget that.


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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Thu Oct 06, 2011 7:09 pm

    Oh, Jo knew that Zurg's senses were far better than the average human, but she wouldn't pass up an opportunity to touch him. At the risk of sounding dirty, she liked the feel of his bare skin, and it was so rare to see him out of his armor. And his hands were so warm! She was feeling a bit chilly, so a little extra warmth was always a plus. Personal furnace indeed!

    "Just as long as you point that ray elsewhere, I don't mind." Yeah, cause you could poke someone's ye out with a death ray, you know! As well as the rest of their, ah, important body parts. "No, no, I don't think it's haunted. But it's closed anyway, so if we did go to see it we'd just be seeing the outside of it." In Jo's opinion, it would be best if they found a place to eat, then left. And sometime during the spring they could come back to explore some more. By then all the local festivals would be rolling in, which would be the best time to visit Lochlann.

    Leading him along the cobblestone paths, Jo took him to one of the restaurants they'd passed that had caught her fancy on their way to the strange shop, Catch of the Day. There were more people sitting there now, some of them already eating and others browsing menus. Some were couples, some single, and some were in groups that chattered loudly. But despite the low temperature, the mechanic had warmed up after their walk. She tugged on Zurg's hand gently. "Do you want to sit here? Maybe outside, if you're feeling hot. Can you see now, or are you still as blind as a bat?" she asked with a small snicker. Teasing him at times was just too irresistible to pass up!
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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Zurg on Thu Oct 06, 2011 8:43 pm

    Considering his skin was ultra smooth and soft? Who wouldn't want to touch his bare skin all the time? It was like rubbing up against a baby's bum! A soft, crunchy baby's bum. Since he had more than enough warmth to spare (and he was also slightly getting hot beneath all these layers of clothing), he wrapped an arm around Jo and helped to shield her from the elements. Gosh, her body was so cold. How could she live like that? A frozen, living popsicle! "Oh, trust me, Jo." He began, vision slowly returning. "If I had to point a death ray, it would be directed at a planet's core. Everyone else is relatively safe." How safe was up to the everyone else bit. But no need to go into details and ruin the moment.

    The smooth sensation of damp cobblestone beneath his heels and the lingering aroma of cooked seafood was absolutely music to him. Spices, peppers, butter, earth -- humans were missing so much with their inferior sense of smell! Then again, he really couldn't taste anything like Jo could. Guess you win some and lose some, right? Jo stopped somewhere without warning, perhaps the place she had seen earlier (the smells were familiar), and he recognized the sounds of eating utensils. Ugh, forks. Forks were just so strange. So were spoons. There were also more people now, their voices a blurred haze in the background. "Laugh all you want, Jo, but you are missing out on a lot." Like smelling a whole bunch of some really cheap cologne. Zurg could have done without that.

    Now, where to sit? He glanced around, still not really at 100% vision, but he could see a few slabs of shapes. Those must be tables, right? And chairs? "Hm, well... It will get colder outside since it's the fall season and we're near a lake. The wind will make things nippy. Are you sure you don't mind dining outside? It might not be as enjoyable, and I can always take off my outerwear so we don't have to be in the elements." The food smelled so much better indoors, anyway. It was up to Jo as he didn't really mind what she chose, but he did offer one last suggestion.

    "If we sit at or near a window you can enjoy the view while I enjoy some fresh breathing room. Do you see any?" And hopefully this place didn't have a maitre like the last one did. Man of the sea... Zurg could just feel his toes curling inwardly.


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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:31 pm

    Okay, a soft, crunchy baby's bum sounds just plain weird. Where the cosmos does crunchy fit? But Jo gladly settled into the one-armed hug, feeling warmer already. She even took a subtle whiff of that musky odor of his that she so loved. And hah, they'd be safe until the core exploded, then bye-bye planet! Come to think of it, hadn't there been rumors of Zurg making some sort of planet destroyer back home? Too bad Jo couldn't remember all his losses. He'd had so many schemes over the years it was hard to keep track of them unless you'd been involved. She hadn't paid much attention to him back then!

    "Huh?" Missing out on what? It took her a bit, but she pieced together that he was talking about the smells in the air. His sense of smell had always been keener than hers, but she could smell these delicious aromas pretty good. Wow, just imagine if she could smell like Zurg. Maybe she'd be smelling food for miles away! Like burritos... blast it, she really was missing out!

    It was getting pretty cold, but she remembered how easily Zurg heated up and didn't want him to start sweating -- not like he could, but you know. The alternative of sitting by a window was a welcome suggestion. "Oh, that's a good idea! Window it is!"

    Jo led him inside, by now not supporting him as much, and selected a table that was in the restaurant's far corner. There were hardly any people inside, most people having opted to sit outside for as long as they could salvage the remains of summer warmth, which would give them some wanted privacy. Jo helped Zurg sit on a sofa-like seat, sitting down beside him, so he could enjoy some of the window's coolness and she could enjoy his warmth. The interior was small, but cheerfully cozy, with paneled wood and large, sturdy tables.

    "Menu time! Let's see what they've got..." Jo flipped open a leather-bound booklet with stylized pages, laminated and printed out with a fancy typeset along with some photos. Jo had been expecting something more worn and food-stained, so this was a good alternative. "Can you see enough to read yet, or d'you want me to read it out to you?"

    She hoped the blindness wouldn't have lasting effects...
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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Zurg on Fri Oct 07, 2011 2:55 pm

    Well, didn't you know? Human babies were soft, crunchy, and chewy. Not to mention smelly, but that was a complete turnoff. Anyway, this is making me hungry! And yes, the dreaded Planet Destroyer (patent still pending). One of his more crowning moments, induced by heavy amounts of boredom and curiosity. Zurg had so many schemes that he could fill an entire holo-book with accounts and details for each one! Jo would be humoured with some of them, like the killer vegetables. A classic.

    The window it was, Jo helping him on along, and the sights were starting to become familiar again. Hey, people were actually starting to look like people and not horribly misshapen blobs of fat and muscle! There was still the issue of cheap cologne, though... Honestly, who was wearing that around here? Thank the Cosmos Jo was kind enough to let him have the window seat, because the fresh air was nice and he didn't have to overheat. Man, it was already hot in here. Was that because of the hot food or Jo? Either way, he was getting a tad warm and he rolled up his poncho just a bit so his arms could rest upon the table without hindrance. Now, the most important part of this small venture: eating! Zurg was starving. Don't let anyone tell you that berries made for a good meal.

    They were horrible liars.

    Jo managed to get a hold of a menu, but his eyes weren't ready. Actually, it slowly donned upon him that he should remove the sunglasses, so he took those off first and then tried to read. Nope, still no progress. But he could make out the words Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, thankfully. Always a character, Zurg randomly pointed to something upon the menu and glanced at Jo with his glossy eyes. "I'll take this. Looks like a good choice."

    Whatever it was...


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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:11 pm

    When you put it that way crunchy sounded appropriate. Best not to voice something like that, though, since it's a surefire way for Jo to lose her appetite. But a holo-book with all of Zurg's achievements might bring it back. Now that was a book she'd definitely read. High adventure, good laughs -- maybe he ought to write one! He might make a best seller out of it.

    Jo was still kind of cold, but cozying up to Zurg pretty much solved that. Oh, that poncho was kind of cute. Wasn't he hot with it? He felt warmer than usual, or maybe it was just an illusion due to the chill Jo was feeling. He didn't seem able to read yet. You know how Jo figured that out? Because of the dish he pointed at, that's how. She made a small snort and arched an eyebrow. "Geoduck clams? Are you sure?"

    No matter the answer, Jo lifted the menu up and pointed at a photo. It seemed harmless enough, with some green on the side and something strange-looking in the middle, but she pointed at one particular item on the dish. "Geoduck clams are clams with a huge long neck," she read out, "that bear an uncanny resemblance to an obscenely over-sized penis, including the head and a hole at the end from which water oozes."

    And if he asked, it didn't really say that, but she'd seen an actual photograph in one of the books Proxy got from the library on sea life and... the resemblance was just uncanny. You sure you want to eat something looking like that, Big Z?
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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Zurg on Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:18 pm

    Oh, space lordy up on high. Zurg just innocently blinked once, still staring stupidly ahead as Jo read out the description of what he had just selected. The first thing he mentioned was not disgust, but -- "Does it really say all that?" Wow, talk about not being kid-friendly. Was this a family-owned establishment? Although he didn't know that Jo was simply poking fun, he took her words for truth but didn't seem bothered at all. In fact, he patted the table and shrugged. "I've never eaten something that resembled one's genitalia. Do I get a T-shirt or an obnoxious trinket if I order a gooey-duck?" Zurg did like clams, you know. The only trick with them was getting the meat out of the shell. Now that was the hard part.

    Phallic or not, the Evil Emperor stuck with his choice and glanced at Jo again, eyes slightly better. "Are you going to get something fashioned in the likeness of genitalia, too?" He asked. Shame, he had none. "I don't mean to be offensive, but that's going to be a really ugly dish." Just wait until he sees an actual geoduck.


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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:32 pm

    Jo just had to laugh. "Well, no, not all of it, but it does warn the buyer to beware its strange shape. I saw real photos of it in a library book and it's so out there you wouldn't even find it on Bathyos!" At least she hoped not. Just imagine if Bathyosians had such weird cuisine. No one would want to eat at a Bathyosian-themed restaurant!

    "I don't think so. You'll get looks of sympathy maybe, but I doubt they hand out t-shirts for it." And Zurg really was something. He wasn't obnoxious about it, but he insisted on wanting to try the dish. Jo wouldn't order something like that even if she was bribed to! No, she'd stick with familiar territory, thank you very much. "I think... I'll be getting calamari with garlic mayonnaise," she finally decided. It sounded exotic enough.

    "What about drinks or an appetizer?"
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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Zurg on Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:42 pm

    Pffft, Zurg only had one thing to say about that -- "Chicken." He said off to the side, in her direction of the table. The man even let out small squawking sounds, sounding very convincing for someone who had no mobile lips. But teasing aside, Jo had made her choice and he was fine with that. So long as she could eat it, he would happily take his penis bivalve. "I wouldn't know about that, Jo." He began, eyes now being able to focus and recognize facial features upon people. "Rarely do you see true Bathyosian cuisine off the world. Most of it is much too unsightly for your mere human tastes. I liked it, however. The sh'kiri'kikik eggs were well worth the price in tritium warheads." You did not just hear him barter weapons of mass destruction for exotic dishes, Jo.

    Garlic mayonnaise sounded just as good though, right?

    "Mm, up to you, Jo. I'm not sure how big the dishes are, so you should spy at other patrons' plates. If they seem decently sized, then let's go ahead with drinks. I'll have water to make things easier." Everything else probably had sugar, sadly.


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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Fri Oct 07, 2011 5:04 pm

    Was he calling her a chicken? And making squawking sounds too?! Oh, the nerve of him! But Jo was nice tonight and merely gave his arm a pathetic swat. "Your taunting won't sway me! I'll stick to my choice and get this calamari. It even comes with fries on the side." Because hey, if she didn't like the calamari she could always eat the fries! Big Z would have to settle for greens. A fair trade!

    Wait, did he just trade lethal weapons for Bathyosian eggs? Eggs? What was so special about -- and then it hit her. "Are those the orgasm eggs?" she asked, squinting at him. They were highly illegal and hard to get. Very expensive. She had only heard about them once or twice on Tradeworld. If it was about a drug you would bet Tradeworld would try to do something about it. That didn't justify giving out weapons of mass destruction for them, though. Especially when they concerned the orgasm-inducing eggs!

    "Okay, just give me a sec!" Jo straightened in her seat, placing her knees underneath her on the sofa and standing up taller. She looked around to spot a few plates and dishes, and some looked kinda big, but she couldn't tell if any of them were the dishes they wanted. Oh, well, looked like they'd have to take a chance and get messy! Jo settled back down again and closed the menu. "I think our portions will be big enough. So you're all for water? I'll get a soda. Carbon Fusion, here we gooooo!"
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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Zurg on Fri Oct 07, 2011 5:41 pm

    "Are those the orgasm eggs?" Oh, the nerve...

    Zurg nearly spat out the spit on his tongue, and he hastily covered his mouth to prevent from appearing an ever bigger fool. "Pffft, Jo!" The things this woman said sometimes! And without a second thought! "They're not orgasm eggs! They're just eggs laid by an increasingly rare and endangered specie of fish that just so happens live on Bathyos! If anything, they induce a brief state of euphoria that makes you feel very good!" Which... sounded an awfully lot like an orgasm. Cue the awkward feeling and the cooling of his body. "Okay, let me rephrase that..." He started over, lowering his voice. "While some species of consumer feel this mystical orgasm by just eating a spoonful of these dangerously illegal eggs, my kind do not. So, there. Don't give me that look, Jo. I'm not that blind anymore." Oh, he'll never hear the end of this one, will he? And what was up with that look! It was so... mischievous. Well, why not add some insult to his injury seeing as how he did this himself. Big mouth of his... Zurg leaned closer, as inconspicuous as he could, and he whispered -- "They were amaaaaazing." Technically these would be foodgasm eggs, and no, Zurg didn't have a foodgasm OR an orgasm -- I see you, Skype chat readers.

    Thankfully the mechanic was easily sidetracked, and she started to spy around -- by being as obvious as a nail in the foot. "Jo, stop that! Don't be so obvious!"

    Hadn't the woman ever heard of tactics!?


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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Fri Oct 07, 2011 6:55 pm

    Oh no, she didn't! Oh yes, she did! Jo just laughed at Zurg's reaction, covering her mouth with her hands to keep from laughing too loud. Him nearly choking on his own spit had not been what the mechanic had been expecting, but it was a good trade. And sure, she wasn't subtle, but everyone on Tradeworld called them the orgasm eggs, or the feel-good eggs, because the name was unpronounceable. This was actually the first time she heard them by name. It was sheer dumb luck her mind made the connection.

    But Zurg getting an entire shipment of them was material she could tease him about for days and days to come!

    "Tom-may-to, to-mah-to. They're feel-good eggs, you said so yourself. That still doesn't explain why you'd want eggs like that in the first place." He could try to deny it all he wanted, but he still got those eggs and -- oh cosmos, why did he have to whisper like that? Jo felt a shiver course down her back, her tiny hairs standing on end and her ear tingling. Blast it, Big Z!

    Oh, but wait. If he wanted to play dirty, Jo could give him dirty. She shifted her weight, sitting straight again, and whispered into a horn, "More amazing than this?" All she needed to do was whisper, her lips as close to the base of his horn as possible. One of her hands massaged the back of his neck lightly, but she didn't keep it up for long. Especially when she suddenly heard a cough.

    "Uh... ready to order?" the waiter asked.

    Jo's face turned red as she slid back into her seat. What was that about tactics? Yeah...
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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Zurg on Fri Oct 07, 2011 7:11 pm

    Look at her, laughing at him! He was insulted! "Hmph, shows what you know." She probably thought he traded highly-dangerous weapons for aphrodisiacs or whatever humans fancied at the dinner table. Well, he had news for her. With a sigh he lowered his defenses and let his shoulders sag along with his tone of voice. "I requested the eggs in return for my warheads simply to treat my chronic depression." And that, sadly, was the solemn and sober truth. "I can't take medication as I don't know what effect it will have on my body, and I prefer to treat myself naturally. It's not necessarily a drug, but more of an organic alternative to what the doctors so happily give out for all our troubles." Jo better be proud of herself. She was teasing him for being depressed and unsure of how to remedy it. "They say chocolate and sometimes sweets are good for depression, but... well, you know. I can't really take those, so what else am I going to do?" It was like how victims suffering from chronic pain took marijuana to relieve their agony; sometimes organic substances offered more comfort than just something chemically manufactured in a laboratory.

    And to be honest, Zurg had only tried the eggs once. When they didn't last too long and he felt ordering more would lead to a habit, he ditched the effort and tried to cope the best way he could: by himself. It wasn't working very well, but at least he wasn't addicted to anything.

    Somehow... while the alien was busy trying to get comfortable again, Jo must have taken something he said in a dirty light. Why did she do that and so easily!? He felt a tickle in his right horn and just like that, BAM, Zurg jolted and banged his left knee ridiculously hard upon the table. The force was enough to cause the dinnerware and cutlery to jostle up with a clatter, and the Evil Emperor rubbed his now sore joint with a slight wince. "I don't find hurting myself and becoming confused amazing, Jo."

    ...Then there was the cough, in which Zurg appeared startled for a split second before he sighed again. "Right. Waiter. Saw that. Embarrassing." Embarrassing didn't even begin to cover his ashamed state, and he obediently folded up the menu and handed it back to the waiting staff. "I'll try your gooeyduck, please. And yes, I am perfectly aware of what this misunderstood creature looks like. Water for the drink, if you'd be so kind." It would be by some miracle if no one questioned or laughed at his choice tonight.


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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Fri Oct 07, 2011 7:42 pm

    That brought an abrupt end to Jo's amusement and teasing. Even worse than the waiter who came to interrupt them. "Oh..." Craters, did she feel stupid. Like feel-free-to-kick-her stupid. She thought he'd gotten the eggs for his own amusement, not for, well... treatment. She knew he had deep-rooted psychological problems and some sort of depression, and knew he didn't take medicine or see doctors, but she hadn't thought he would be so desperate enough to seek alternative medication. She should have known; it wasn't hard to piece together. And she really had to learn to think before she spoke.

    The waiter looked at her expectantly, and she remembered that he was waiting for her order. She told him what she wanted, asking for water, too, and with a nod the man left. Maybe it was her imagination, but she thought he looked like he was in a hurry.

    And now that they were alone again, the awkward silence could commence. Jo didn't have a problem with quiet surroundings, but if things were weird and no one was speaking, she felt like she had to say something to break the ice.

    "I'm sorry," she mumbled. It sounded like a pitiful apology, but she meant it. "I was just poking fun at you so we could have a laugh or two. I just wanted to cheer you up -- I shouldn't have said anything."

    If the silence was awkward, imagine how this apology sounded. The mechanic cleared her throat, deciding that a shift in topic might help lighten the mood again. "So, what've you been doing all this time planetside? Have you been cooking something up for the next fiscal quarter?"
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    Re: By the Lake

    Post by Zurg on Fri Oct 07, 2011 11:50 pm

    Yes, it was true. Even mighty figures like an intergalactic overlord suffered from something so persistent and meager as depression. He wasn't proud of claiming it, but it wasn't like he could keep denying he had an underlying problem. That already caused issues in the past, and a certain Mr. Dark made him realize the truth. But hearing Jo become increasingly bothered and conscious? The tone in her voice was as clear as her raunchy jokes. "Ahahahahaaaaa~!" The laugh came out of nowhere, dual-toned and inhuman, and the alien settled down with a small smile as he wrapped an arm around the ashamed mechanic. "How was that for a laugh?" He asked her, rubbing her arm. "Delayed, but still sincere." Alas, he could still tell that Jo felt like she had taken things too far and Zurg only tightened his embrace around her.

    "Josephine..." It must have been the first time he had ever called her by her full name, and Zurg dipped the brow of his forehead into a healthy side of her hair to whisper. "You didn't know. How could you have? You shouldn't stop being you just because you look absolutely ridiculous. It never stopped me, did it?" And he was all kinds of shameless. Jo had her certain types of shameless, but he would never ask her to stop being who she was. Sure he'd sigh or make subtle faces, but that's who Jo was. If Jo wanted to crack naughty jokes and embarrass him, so be it. But she was still going to learn how to manage a house, and properly. There would be no socks on the floor so long as he could see them!

    Hopefully the mechanic would take some kernels of wisdom from what he had just said, and Zurg gave her a "kiss" on the temple before pulling back and giving Jo her personal space. "Eh, nothing much." He answered in regards to her question. A subject change, he liked that. "I haven't done anything exciting really, and I fear that my staff will grow discontent. Just not much to do in the line of evil when you have a one-of-a-kind world such as Portal Breach. It's mildly depressing..." And no amount of feel-good eggs, as Jo called them, would make him right as rain. "Just wandering around, not sure what to do."

    That probably sounded like most folks on this planet, huh...


    _________________
    In unity, before the Nine, I softly speak in #669999.
    But, in One's animosity, I hold command in #99FF00.

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    Re: By the Lake

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