Time: 11:00PBT
Date: 7/20/2011

Screaming children. Screaming children everywhere.

Balls bounced, hula hoops gyrated, the scampering of little feet a cacophony to the horns. Timmys shouted, Jessicas shrieked; paint and toys were thrown about like miniature interplanetary ballistic missiles. It was pure, unbridled terror. The madness was enough to even make a Raenok squeal in horror like some little Rhizomian. No one in their sane minds should have to go through this, and yet...

Zurg stood at the doorstep of the orphanage, his eyes watching all the children flick their boogers and swipe their salivating germs all over the place. His skin paled with each minute that passed by, and finally... he swallowed and looked away, knuckles white. He... He had to go through with this, didn't he? Trembling, the Serviceman lifted up the note and shakily put on his glasses. It was a hastily scrawled note, more of a doodle, from Agent Bonkers. On it the toon told Zurg to meet up at the Orphanage so they could do their task together. Something about a... birthday? As far as Zurg knew, he didn't do birthdays. The smiling sun up at the corner did not calm Zurg's nerves, or his fears.

Guess that was going to change today.

Taking a deep breath, the alien tried to calm his nerves and he rolled from the ball of his feet to his heels and back again, hoping the time would pass faster. Where was Bonkers... Where was he!?

And Bonkers was naturally LATE. It took a good 10 minutes before the classic “Mr. Emperor!” resounded from behind the purple Alien. But there was no glomp if it ever was expected, because lo and behold, Bonkers’s hands were busy carrying the huuuuge birthday cake. It was big and colourful and would put any wedding-cake to shame. After all, it was supposed to be for a whole orphanage and then some!

“You are here already? Am I late?!” the toon asked and tried to look at the imaginary clock around his wrist… when that turned out to be unhealthy for the cake though, Bonkers put that one down and walked up to Zurg with a bright smile plastered on his face.

“That is SO NICE of you, to help!” he chirped and finally gave the Alien one of his characteristic hugs. That’s when he noticed Zurg’s Service Uniform and… gave a thoughtful pout.
“But first things first! You can’t go in like this!”
Like, come on. If this look was anything, it was boring! They were attending a party! Had Zurg never heard of a formal dress-code for these situations?

And in no time flat, Bonkers had summoned a whole case out of the tiny space of his chest pocket to help the situation out. He slammed the bag on the ground and it sprung open, revealing a whole wardrobe of colourful costumes.

If the Evil Emperor wanted to have any say in what he was supposed to wear for the rest of the day, he would have to act fast, because Bonkers had his head in the racks already and was browsing for THE costume that Zurg should appear with. Hum, this duck suit seemed nice… Oh this seemed to have his size too… but it was PINK, naaaah…

What was formal dress-code for a party?

There was a sigh as Zurg expected Bonkers to be his usual self, and the Serviceman only crossed his arms. My, he didn't seem relaxed and easy-going at all today. "You're late." Was all he said grumpily. A regular ray of sunshine he was. In any case, the alien watched Bonkers do his usual antics: bend the laws of physics, reveal a wardrobe, and most were just silly. No, Zurg was NOT going to dress up in a duck suit. Ever.

"If you're going to dress me up, Bonkers..." He sighed again, realizing there was no say in this. Not when he was under contract! "Choose something that suits me, will you? I'm purple, well-built, and I shoot lasers from my eyes. I think I demand something a little bit more fitting."

If Bonkers pulled out a clown suit Zurg was going to supernova...

“You probably shouldn’t be shooting lasers from your eyes today!” The toon advised him, “Those are kids! We don’t want them to get scared.”
At this thought, however, Bonkers trailed off. The rummaging stopped for a moment and the toon went still. A little bubble rose above his head and displayed Zurg giving a nice little laser show with disco-balls and loud music and everything; but the bobcat shook that thought out of his head soon. That was stuff suitable for teenagers, this was a children’s birthday.

“Mr. Emperor,” he eventually asked, pulling another costume from the rack.
Yes! This was great!

…And before Zurg could protest, the toon had shoved it over him. Clasping his Hands together the toon nodded in approval. This was PERFECT! And much to Zurg’s appreciation – he hoped – it left the Alien barely recognizable, too.
“Do you know how to make balloon animals?”

Kids, schmids. If those little tykes thought he was a jungle gym he was going to lift up a great, purple hand and rear those brats. Of course, he also made it habit not to mess with children, so... decisions, decisions. "If you haven't noticed by now, Bonkers, I look scary." Zurg was right. Horns, red eyes, scowling teeth, tall; scary. What kid would love to be around him when he practically leaked negativity?

And then it was revealed to him. Not a clown costume, not a duck costume, but a dog costume. A smelly dog costume, too. The Serviceman took one keen whiff and his scowl reached an all new record. "And... you want me to entertain children in that?" Uh-oh, his mood swings were starting to show. Maybe it was because of children or maybe it was because of something that had happened already, but... Zurg was finding it harder and harder to actually appreciate what he was doing now. Beforehand he was, but... The alien just crossed his arms yet again and this time let his eyes flare up, confirming that his attitude was as rotten as his heart.

"I don't play fetch." However, Zurg had no choice in the matter yet again, and Bonkers just thrust the floppy suit right unto his arms. Yuck, were those sweat stains? Ugh. "I assure you, Bonkers..." The man started to growl as he inspected the fur suit. "...this thing will cause me to overheat and cook alive from the inside out. You must have something less thick in there."

Why would Zurg know how to make balloon animals...?

".....Dinghy... Dog?" That... Oh craters, that sour taste was back in his mouth. In all his years Zurg had never dreamed that he would be humiliated to the point of wearing a FUR SUIT for CHILDREN. And the kids!? Forget the kids! He'll take that review and shove it up Bonker's a -- now what was the toon doing!? The Serviceman watched hopelessly as Bonkers proceeded to make a balloon animal, and for the love of all that was evil and purple Zurg just... he just...

HE JUST COULDN'T WRAP HIS EVIL, HORNED HEAD AROUND THIS.

How was he supposed to make balloon animals!? Zurg took the tools with the same old scowl he normally wore, and the man stared down long and hard. Finally, after about several tense moments, his hands started to work their magic. A little twist there, some knots here, aaaaand...

He somehow came out with... this thing. Zurg's face was still one of indifference, like a very boring body guard, and he offered the plastic animal to Bonkers. "Did I pass." He grumbled, clearly not amused.

“Yes!” Bonkers approved the outcome. He immediately grabbed the balloon animal. “It’s a pony!” Yes Mr. Obvious, it sure is.
“Now if you can make about 50 more of these, I think we’re set!” the toon the smiled, handed the pony back to Zurg and packed up the wardrobe again in one quick swoosh.

After all of that had neatly disappeared back into his pocket, Bonkers took another look at his invisible clock and… LE GASP! They were indeed late!
HA! Good thing that Bonkers had only made a schedule for Zurg. The kids knew nothing about it – It was a surprise party after all. Sneaky, sneaky. But what would the carer say? At least not that he was late, that was good.

“When you’re done with the costume, can you bring the cake?” Bonkers asked his partner for this mission and summoned some paper-streamers and confetti.
Yeah, he was going in – creating the first diversion.
Stroking any kind of folds or suspicious cake-crumbs out of his pullover (yes, the green one), the toon the placed himself at the entrance and disappeared behind the door.

“Hello, kids!” he greeted them with a bright smile and scanned the room for either a caretaker or the infamous birthday-kid as he braced himself for the part of the kids that enjoyed cartoons ~

Wait, fifty of them...?

Zurg just growled and wished he had a needle on him. If he had his way he was to pop all those balloons just like he was going to pop that smile on Bonkers' face right off! But all such violent thoughts aside it was for the best that the bobcat didn't tell the alien about how rigged the schedule was. If he did, then there was going to be fire and brimstone raining from the sky.

"Yes, yes, I'll bring in the cake." Grumbling, the Serviceman unzipped the costume and shuddered at the smell inside it. Awful! Smelled like a really fat, sweaty cop had been in this! Ugh. A job was a job, however, and the man swallowed his pride and went in. It was a little awkward with his skirt, but he didn't mind it punching down at his pelvis while his legs were left uncovered inside the costume's legs. Arm and arm in, all that was left was for Zurg to zip it up completely and the alien scowled as the suit quickly became his second skin.

And craters was it already hot.

All set, Zurg bent down to grab at the cake and he balanced it with all the other tools Bonkers had given him. He heard Bonkers already start the fun, and strangely... the alien sighed and he looked up at the sky. "Why do I have the terrible feeling that I will never live this notorious day down?" Oh, maybe because he wasn't.

Waiting for the cue, the Evil Emperor-turned-Serviceman-turned-Dinghy-Dog remained outside and held that cake like it was an acrobatics trick.

(I swear for the love of X, I hold the record in most frequently posting somewhere with the wrong account... xD)


Bonkers in the meantime had fought off a pile of kids and collected them in a mostly quiet crowd in the center of the room. What could you say? The bobcat just really had a hand for kids.

“Now,” he leaned down to a random girl, petting her plush-unicorn, “Will you and Rarity go and find Tommy for me? A friend of mine would like to wish him a Happy Birthday!”
The girl nodded shyly and quickly skipped off for the dining room, where Tommy had been munching a tiny piece of chocolate cake already.

Piece of cake still in hand, Tommy was lead into the room by the girl, visibly confused at first, but he seemed to recognize the unexpected visitor. Bonkers waved at the boy, jumped over to him, blew a paper streamer over his head, shook his hand and finally lifted the little guy up to sit piggy-back on his shoulders.
“Your old buddy, Bonkers has a surprise for you, little man!” the toon stated and tickled the kid in his side, as he carried him over to the front door. He placed him down to the ground in-front of the tamed bunch of kids and leaned against the door, pulling it open a bit to see whether or not Zurg was ready yet.

Great!

“You do know the Happy Birthday Song, don’t you?” the toon questioned with an approving nod.

Hot. Hot. Hot. It was freaking HOT.

Try as he might Zurg could not set down the wobbling cake in order to pull at the suit's collar. Oh, Cosmos, he was just dying in here! The Dinghy Dog was also a Dinghy Oven! Through the door the Serviceman heard Bonkers getting the children to settle down and as the toon's voice sounded like it was getting closer the alien tried to contain his wheezing. He could do this, he could do this! Just treat these children like Trevor and Eona. Just like that.

........Oh for the love of all that was evil, he was so screwed.

Hope the kids liked dogs, because this old mangy mutt had seen better days.

(Bwahaha, my record is spotless! Well, almost spotless... There was that ONE time...)

Guessing that Zurg was having some problems, Bonkers walked over to him and took the wobbling cake back, before it would fall.
“Tommy is the one with the red shirt,” he adviced the Alien, shoved him a bit closer to the door and… opened it, revealing the group of kids behind it that immediately seemed to notice the big ‘dog’.

There was another encouraging shove from behind, a whispered “You can do it!” and a thumbs-up that Zurg probably could not see.

In a matter of seconds, Dinghy Dog was surrounded by kids that tried to climb on him and tugged on or stroked the clothing.

“This is my friend - Dinghy Dog!” Bonkers then announced for the kids, a bit more wooden than it probably would have been necessary, but the noise level had increased considerably again, “He brought you a present!”
To that, Bonkers softly pried the kids away, handed the cake back to Zurg and dove into the pool of children to softly shove Tommy out of the crowd and into the dog’s direction.

And Zurg's problems just multiplied. Multiplied and sprouted legs and hair -- much like these children.

With a shove and a brief whisper of encouragement (which didn't really help), Zurg found himself slid over towards the ravenous beasts and before you know it... he was being tugged and yanked upon like some disrespected animal. Never in his years! They pulled on his legs, they grabbed at the tufts of fur, and they even sharply yanked at his tail. The poor thing! Much growling rumbled throughout the interior of the costume, but no such noise made it to the outside and the Serviceman started to tug off any children that were getting too -- OW, THAT WAS HIS PRIVATE AREA. Zurg winced with a jolt, and hastily removed that child as fast as he could.

This is my friend -- Dinghy Dog!

Augh, did he have to say it like that? The alien sighed and was secretly grateful as Bonkers assisted in taking back the children. Now if only he could take the cake, as well... He watched behind the confines of the suit's peepholes as the bobcat dove into the crowd and soon, this Tommy kid was now directly in front of him.

Er, he... had a present for the kid...? O-Oh! Bonkers must have meant the cake, right? Zurg really had nothing else to give!

"E-Er, oh, uhhhhh... H-Hello, little Tommy!" Wow, that sounded so... well, terrible could only cover so much. Zurg was definitely out of his element here. Not sure what else to say or do, the alien stalled and tried to master the situation. "My friend, Bonkers, has told me it's a certain someone's agin -- e-er, birthday -- and I came on down to bring the lucky fellow a present! Do you want to know what it iiiiiiiiiis?" Was that a little better?

Panicking in that suit of his and growing immensely hot to where his skin prickled, Zurg held up the cake high and pointed to it happily -- even though he wasn't very happy.

"I got yoooooooooooooooooou..." There was a pause for drama. "...DIABETES! HERE YOU GO, SON. ENJOY!"

.....Okay, so not the best giver of gifts, but Zurg set the cake down upon a table and let the kids have at it. And if the cake wasn't the present... Well, humans weren't the only ones to make mistakes.

“That was great!” Bonkers praised his partner and nudged an elbow in his side collegially before he turned his attention to the cake and began to slice it in pieces for the little kiddos. Didn’t want the pastry to end up in a terrible mess, right?

Tommy meanwhile glanced up at Dinghy Dog happily, offering him the leftovers of the cake he had earlier. Since he had already eaten some, and Doggy’s cake seemed to be big enough, the little kid was paying attention to something else the costumed man had said.
“I am 6 years old!” he proclaimed happily, “Are you gonna be my daddy?”

Bonkers, having overheard the question stiffened.
Ohgodohgodohgod…

DISTRACTION TIEM!

The bobcat hastily exchanged glances between Zurg, Tommy, the kids, the cake, Zurg… and did the first thing that came to mind.

The piece of cake Bonkers had been just about to hand to a girl had changed directions was now heading straight for the open-mouthed dog-mask.
Let’s hope Dinghy Dog was hungry! Because the kids obviously liked the display.

So much for avoiding the mess.

Great? You mean... he was doing well!? Oh, how Zurg felt relieved and accomplished, the alien smiling to himself and sighing. Whew, this job was hard, BUT! He was making it!

And then Tommy asked the darnedest thing...

Are you going to be my daddy?

..........................

Folks, I think a tumbleweed just rolled on by, because the Serviceman had the brainfart of the century. And it was this very brainfart that enabled Bonkers to do what he did best: DISTRACTION TIEM. Before Zurg could even try to fix the situation himself, the bobcat was already zooming over his way and just as you knew it... the alien wasn't fast enough to avoid the cake and he had somehow, someway... eaten it. Eaten it all. Immediately Zurg's eyes grew wide as he gulped, and the alien squeaked. "Well, at least I know that I like chocolate cak -- HUUURUHGHGHG!" Aaaaaand here came the diabetic seizure. This'll be good.

Like the turning of a page and a spoiler already totally called, Zurg fell onto the floor and he immediately started to jerk. Why, it was like the dog was break dancing and maybe the kids would follow suit, thinking he was putting on a show! He shivered, he rolled, he leaped, and best of all: he made funny noises. What kid didn't like funny noises?

THIS DOG WAS DOING A TRICK, AND IT LOOKED HILARIOUS.

Let's hope Bonkers knew how to cover this one up back at the office, because he could not go back with a dead alien on his hands.