Portal Breach: The Collision of Worlds :: v.4.0


    You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

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    Lawrence
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    You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Lawrence on Mon Feb 14, 2011 8:37 pm

    Lawrence had rushed right back to On-World Factory Zeta from the Sanctuary when he'd heard Zurg had been arrested. That was shocking enough, but the fact Zurg turned himself in was even worse. Yes, the Emperor had probably worked things out to his own advantage, but actually confessing was almost an alien concept to the butler bot. It was best to not be caught to begin with, and turning oneself in was right out.

    Striding into the main control room, he headed to the biggest console and SIR's hologram appeared on the screen. "SIR, send a signal to Planet Z with the heaviest encryption you have . . . His Evilness has been arrested and I want to find out what's going on."

    The AI vacated the screen, accessing the FTL transmitter to send out a message. He redirected it a few times, so only the most attentive of observers would know where it was really going, though the encryption would take a few thousand years for anyone without the right key to break through. "As you command, Lawrence."

    The butler sat down at the console, waiting for someone on the other end to notice he was calling.
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Zurg on Mon Feb 14, 2011 9:39 pm

    The moment Lawrence connected to a highly-encrypted channel, the robot would be greeted by a bold and egotistical 'Z' and an automated female voice spoke through the speakers.

    "Hello, and thank you for calling the Evil Emperor Zurg. The Emperor is either on the other line, or engaged in a mind-bendingly ingenious plan to control the universe. Your call is important to us, and will be answered in the order received."

    Old school elevator music soon filled the air, and Lawrence would just have to wait while his call was going through the proper channels.

    (THE LINK)
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    Jo Pistonne
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:01 pm

    "So what, do I just pick it up?" A female voice said off-screen. "Do I really have to?" she asked again, to someone who was also off-screen. They seemed to say something to her, maybe reminding her that the call had connected. She said, "Oh! Craters!" and then sat down in a chair in front of the screen.

    It was none other than Jo, and she called out a tentative, "Hello? Who is this?" before clearing her throat and going on with a bright and cheery, "I'm Jo and I'll be answering calls for the Evil Emperor for the next three weeks! Any concerns can be relayed to me and I'll answer as best as I can!"

    Bright smiles and waves, commence!
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Lawrence on Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:24 pm

    Lawrence had been a bit nonplussed at the automated call system picking up, but toughed out the wait as best he could. After a minute or two, the call finally did connect, and he found himself viewing an empty comm station. The female voice he heard was very familiar, but before he could match it up to stored voice prints, Jo sat down in the chair.

    The butler blinked a bit in confusion. "Jo? I wasn't expecting you to answer this call." The surprise quickly wore off, and Lawrence got down to business. "I heard His Evilness was arrested, so I thought I should call to see what was going on. He didn't even notify me that he was doing this!" He paused guiltily after that outburst, then spoke again. "Does he have any orders for me while he's gone?"

    He looked a bit hopeful at that last question. Truth be told, he was feeling kind of abandoned at the moment.
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Zurg on Tue Feb 15, 2011 12:09 am

    Somewhere off to the distance, where only Jo could see in the corner of her eye, the Evil Emperor was busy away pantomiming. With a flourish of his hands and his ever-dynamic facial expressions, Zurg signaled this for the loyal minion.

    Tell him that I apologize for my rudeness, and that I had been detained from all communication attempts upon my sentencing. The Evil Emperor was a master at this, as you could see. Also tell Lawrence that I need him to be strong for the evil name and to make sure he is meeting the production quotas. If not, I will be VERY displeased. Oh, and PS: Make sure he keeps an eye on those pesky snoopers!

    Needless to say, he gave two thumbs up at Jo with a smile. He was so proud of her taking part in the evil business!
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Tue Feb 15, 2011 12:34 am

    "Uh...." Jo only understood like.... five percent of what Zurg wanted her to convey to Lawrence. This was not going to work out well. "Uh, yesssss...." She turned back to Lawrence.

    "I mean, yeah! I'm gonna be answering all of Zurg's calls for him. He did give himself in and his punishment's only going to last for three weeks. Planetary arrest, you see. He can't talk to anyone who's on Portal Breach."

    Orders? Jo was sure that there were orders in that pantomime of Zurg's before. She tried to figure out what it could mean so she could convey it to the robotic butler.

    "He.... wants you to keep going strong and keep an eye out." She looked back at Zurg, seeking confirmation. "I think...." she added in a lower voice.
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Zurg on Tue Feb 15, 2011 12:37 am

    Cue the facepalm to the face. Cue it so hard.

    Again, the Evil Emperor repeated his movements, growing impatient in his gestures. Yes, yes. He seemed to articulate with a sigh. I need him to keep with the quota and make sure the base is adequately protected from intruders. And that goes DOUBLE to nekos. And the sign he used for Carrie's kind were two fingers besides his horns and he bent them repeatedly like they were cat ears.


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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Tue Feb 15, 2011 12:40 am

    "Oh!" Jo got that one. Maybe not the first part, but she definitely got the second part. "And keep an eye out for cat-people like Carrie and her troupe! The two that're married to each other and and that pink-haired bimbette Kitkat! Er, I mean Kit Balla-what's-her-name. Yes, her."

    She swiveled around in her seat to look at Zurg again. "Did I get that right this time?"
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Lawrence on Tue Feb 15, 2011 7:32 pm

    Lawrence's facepalm almost mirrored his master's. From the way Jo kept looking off to the side, he knew Zurg was offscreen trying to relay instructions, but he couldn't hear the Emperor actually speaking. Jo's question only confirmed she was having trouble understanding whatever Zurg was doing to communicate, and the butler sighed a bit. This wasn't going to work at all.

    Finally sliding his hand off his optics, Lawrence addressed Zurg directly. "Your Evilness? I know you're close enough to hear me, so may I make a suggestion? Could you write down what you wish to say and have Jo read it? That would work far more efficiently than whatever it is you're doing now, sir. I'm sure you're giving your best effort, but charades can't convey much in the way of detail."
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Zurg on Tue Feb 15, 2011 7:43 pm

    Well, then!

    One didn't have to hear the eyeroll Zurg produced; it was implied all the way to Lawrence down on Portal Breach. Of course writing down words would have been easier! Zurg knew that! He just thought pantomiming would be more dramatic and entertaining, that was all. No one liked a good game of charades anymore! No one! With a silent sigh the Evil Emperor drew out a board and uncapped a pen, scribbling something as the pen went squeak squeak here and there.

    When he was done, admiring his most elegant penmanship, the Evil Emperor flipped the board around for Jo to read aloud. Such a pretty cursive hand, and it was in purple, too!

    An excellent idea, Lawrence, if not a bit lackluster. Anyway, since my temporary secretary can't read my plastered lips, I'd like for you to resume the production quota and make sure nothing falls behind. I have a schedule to keep, as you know, and be aware for intruders. My spy feeds have recently spotted activity with our neighbour. Do be sure to skin her hide if she tries anything for me. A nice rug would look dashing in my trophy room~!

    And yes, he added the little squiggly at the end.

    Lots of evil love,

    Your evil overlord, the Evil Emperor Zurg.


    Making sure to cross his t's and dot his i's, the Evil Emperor waited expectantly for Jo to relay the message.
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Jo Pistonne on Tue Feb 15, 2011 8:08 pm

    Well, fine! Jo crossed her arms and humphed. She knew she couldn't get what Zurg was saying but cosmos, there was no need to rub it in! Though Lawrence's idea was so simple Jo wondered why she hadn't thought of it. Zurg apparently had the same thought, so he began to scribble something out (in purple, of course) and then held up the board for her when he was done.

    Jo's first reaction was to blink, then squint. And then she finally said, "What kind of sissy writing is that?! And I am so not reading that out loud!" But she knew that time was money and neither of them were getting any younger.

    With an aggravated sigh, Jo began to narrate. "An excellent idea, Lawrence, if not a bit lackluster." She even assumed the proper Anglican accent for it. Hey, Blade had it made and she's picked up a thing or two from it. "Anyway, since my temporary secretary can't read my plastered lips--well, how do you expect me to when they don't even move!--I'd like for you to resume the production quota--oh, so that's what you meant--and make sure nothing falls behind. I have a schedule to keep, as you know, and be aware for intruders. My spy feeds have recently spotted activity with our neighbour. Do be sure to skin her hide if she tries anything for me. A nice rug would look dashing in my trophy room!--I think you should also remove her ears and make your own headband with them!--Lots of evil love, your evil overlord, the Evil Emperor Zurg."

    Jo sighed loudly. That had taken some effort to read. Zurg's writing style was so elegant that she hadn't been able to read it properly at first!
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Lawrence on Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:19 pm

    Lawrence couldn't help but snicker a bit at Jo's commentary as she read the note, though he settled down when she finished. "Ah, that was much better. SIR and I will continue to meet the quotas as ordered. As for intruders . . . one Cybertronian approached the base yesterday, he said his name was Blurr. From the way his optics kept shifting about, I'd imagine he was an intelligence agent of some sort wherever he's from. Those types are always searching for information from any source, and visually is as good as any other when you're a robot and can record everything you see. He didn't get close enough to see much, I headed him off in the new hovertank prototype. I'll be sending the plans to that along, I hope it meets your approval."

    A slight pause, then the butler continued. "But I digress. All Blurr wanted to know was the location of Miss Akyla's new lab; I obliged him and he left. I'm sure there was some interesting conversation going on over there last night . . ."

    Lawrence reached to the console, getting together the data he wanted to send. "Enough about those two, I'll keep an optic on the situation but they're nothing to really worry about for now. I'll send the hovertank plans now, as well as the plans for a new type of security drone. I think it very fitting that this base now has robotic guard dogs, considering our neighboring enemy."

    The butler started the upload, and SIR encrypted it just as heavily as he was the rest of the communication.
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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Zurg on Wed Feb 16, 2011 7:09 pm

    "Sissy writing!?" That time Lawrence could hear Zurg loud and clear, and the Evil Emperor was going to give the phrase 'raise the roof' a whole new meaning. "Well, excuse me for getting my knuckles constantly slapped back in primary school for sloppy penmanship, Miss I-write-like-a-pubescent-BOY!" He ended on a particularly sour note before the Big Bad himself forced his face into the scene. Clearly the previous method hadn't been working and Jo was going to have to fight for some leg room.

    "Anyway, LAWRENCE!" Ah, the classic overlord-to-minion bark. "Lawrence, who may or may not be here, I just want to hypothetically take the time to express my hypothetical appreciation in an off-world conversation that hypothetically does or does not exist as per the rules regarding a certain hypothetical planetary arrest. I hypothetically thank you for keeping a keen eye upon my base and for warding off any annoying pests that may come your way. Hypothetically, of course." No, sir. The Evil Emperor was not violating the terms of his punishment by participating in an illegal off-world call at this time. And if anyone had a problem with this hypothetical that may or may not be happening at this very moment in hypothetical time they can simple repeat the phrase: No, sir; yes, sir; may I kiss your ass, sir five times and stick their rear into the air.

    "And since my representative cannot refrain herself from ad-libbing..." The Evil Emperor briefly took the time to flare his eyes downwards upon Jo. "I would hypothetically love to receive your hypothetical data transfer. Hypothetically standing by."

    The screen on Lawrence's end would show a transfer rate and after about ten seconds, the system crunching those numbers like a boss, the file had been completed and the Evil Emperor's visage was soon glaring upon the robot butler once again.

    "Hypothetical file successfully transferred."

    There was some clicking as the Evil Emperor was fast to bring up the file and a very wicked, pleased smile conquered his face. "My, my~! You've been a very bad boy, Lawrence! Oh, almost forgot to add hypothetically. These plans will do just fine!" He literally screamed through the speakers at Lawrence's location. "I hypothetically approve of the robotic guard dogs as well as the hovertank! I always did fancy an easier method of travel... BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT!" The tyrant barked again.

    "It is now my hypothetical command that you keep power within the region and prevent any sniveling cat beasts from encroaching our territory! I don't care how you remove those nuisances -- if they so much as breathe in our border, ANNIHILATE THEM!" He screamed again before settling down quickly with another pronounced smile.

    "I hope I hypothetically make myself clear~!"


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    Re: You did WHAT, sir? (tag: Zurg, Jo)

    Post by Lawrence on Wed Feb 16, 2011 10:26 pm

    Lawrence had his hands over his audio sensors for half of that, though he still heard his master loud and clear. How could he not? Covering his audio sensors only lessened the volume a little. All the praise he got throughout Zurg's talking certainly helped make things less unpleasant at well, and he was smiling faintly even through the loudness.

    Once the Emperor seemed to be done, he put his hands back down and replied. "Of course, Your Evilness; any cat-eared intruders will face the full wrath of the defenses and the small army of Hornets and Fenrir drones we have stationed here." A smirk. "Hypothetically speaking, of course. Now, it seems like you've covered just about everything I was worried about, but is there anything else? Perhaps you have designs you would like for me to put into production down here? Yes, my calling you is likely exploiting a loophole, but I would rather not annoy the police too much by calling multiple times."

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